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The last of the Christmas rubbish has just been picked up by my bin men. Thank goodness! All that pernicious plastic packaging known as "oyster packs" or "clamshells" that can't go into the recycling bin and will only crumple to a not-much-smaller proportion of its original size, has finally gone. And, having recently risked life, limb and personal injury in order to extricate a memory card the size of a postage stamp from rigid plastic packaging the size of a paperback, I know first hand what "wrap rage" is all about.
My daughter received a Bratz doll for Christmas (shamefacedly I hold my hands up) and although her eyes lit up at the 50 x 30cm plastic bubble that held brightly coloured doll, shoes, keyboard-on-stand, hair accessories and bonus black, fringed, leather-look jacket; once she decided to try to open it things went from overjoyed to annoyed very quickly.
I was happily employed peeling sprouts at the time and my mother marvelled as, having got her brother to hack off the outer shell with the machete we bought him for just such requirements, her little hands worked methodically and patiently at the 45 cable ties that held the leather-look jacket and various other toy-pop-star adornments into place. One by one she twisted off a multitude of silver metal ties, only to find the tiny item she wanted was still held in place by some sort of invisible elastic band.
As I walked through the living room to place bowls of nibbles on mum's nest of tables, my daughter looked up at me with plaintive eyes and a down cast look that said, "Will I ever get to play?"
I sat down, gently took the plastic sarcophagus out of her hands, tried momentarily to untie the keyboard-on-stand, and then made some vague excuse to leave due to stuffing balls needing to be rolled. So, my partner and son took over and, after several minutes of manly manipulation more, the goods were free. My daughter had her doll, accessories, a plethora of tat and she began to play delightedly.
Funnily enough, having spent nearly half an hour getting to the toys, she spent about ten minutes playing with them and then decided that rolling stuffing seemed like much more fun (and involved a lot less personal injury risk), so she joined me in the kitchen.
Infuriation with such packaging has been nicknamed "wrap rage" in the US by emergency department staff who treat the wounds incurred by shoppers and gift recipients who have tried to get into their treasures. People use scissors, secateurs, Swiss army knives, pneumatic drills; you name a sharp instrument and someone will have tried to open an MP3 case with it.
An emergency doctor in Colorado Springs, said, "I've worked in the emergency department on Christmas day for six out of the last 10 years. We certainly see lacerations. That's the most common thing. But we also see punctures. That clamshell packaging is absolutely diabolical."
According to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, 6,000 Americans a year visit the emergency department after sustaining packaging-related personal injury. However, statistics on people who have tried to claim a personal injury compensation award from the manufacturers of such plastic plotting are not so easy to come by.
But fear not, dear reader, help is at hand. For a mere £14.99 Amazon.co.uk will sell you the Zibra "Open It" universal package opening tool; complete with mini screwdriver and retractable knife blade. The nice Amazon pictures show it unwrapped and ready for plastic-slashing action but I have it on good authority that yes, you guessed it, it comes in a clamshell case that will require the use of some sort of tool so that you can get your package opening tool package open. See the irony for yourself by clicking here.
And please, as you split your sides at the hysterical thought of this clamshell conundrum, don't do yourself a personal injury, because you won't be able to sue me.
