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Oh my, I feel a swoon coming on. A leading biscuit manufacturer and baker of one of my favourite 'choccy bickie' brands has launched an entire website and mass advertising campaign warning of the risk of personal injury involved in the consumption of their scrummy products.
The website of the British Biscuit Advisory Board (BBAB) has an extremely believable URL and looks genuine enough as it explains that biscuit-related accidents at work are not as uncommon as you would expect. And their research data looks extremely plausible, perhaps because they did actually send out questionnaires to local councils about tea break safety and, from those that were returned, they found that last year around 512 workers suffered 'cookie calamities' in the workplace. But, what I find hard to swallow is the amount of major newspapers that devoted numerous column inches (and a glut of biscuit-related puns) to the whole tongue-in-cheek marketing jape.
I mean, who would fall for the statistics regarding biscuits being poked mistakenly into eyes in bad dunking incidents or the research suggesting that builders are the least likely workers to suffer a personal injury accident as a result of a tea break incident. But - now I come to think of it - I know only too well the mortal danger one can put oneself in when pursuing the perfect 'biscuit + coffee = yuuuummmm' experience, as I recall, with a wince, my very first generic chocolate biscuit straw.
Picture the scene, I had bought a large pack of a well known make of chocolate sandwich biscuit, the branding of which utilises a distinctive waddling seabird normally associated with Antarctic waters (and no, my knowledge of this particular ornithological creature is not great, so it may be that the bird species used in the branding lives exclusively in the Galapagos Islands and, if that is the case, I am truly sorry - but I am a biscuit eater - not a bird lover) and I had been persuaded by friends to try something called a 'name of biscuit straw'.
This particular tea time treat involves nibbling the corners off opposing ends of your chocolate biscuit then dipping one bitten end into your hot drink of choice and sucking the liquid up through the other nibbled corner. Once the tea or coffee soaks through the biscuit layers you put the whole warm, gloopy chocolate mass into your mouth and the whole thing melts into a glorious, chocolate goo on your tongue. It is messy, but perfect, in terms of hedonistic chocolate scoffing.
So, there I was having my first biscuit straw; leaning over the office kitchen counter to partake of this hilarious tea break pastime when, after carrying out all the relevant procedures and having deposited the entire biscuit into my mouth, I shot up from the counter, threw my head back in choco-ecstasy and banged my noggin on an open cupboard door, causing it then to rebound and smack me cleanly once again on the back of my bonce. The whole reverberation then shot several mugs, two plates and a cup holding three knives, four forks and seven very discoloured teaspoons down onto my chocolate covered face.
Oh my gosh, I have just realised, I actually had a biscuit-related accident at work. At the time, in my embarrassment, I took no notice of the personal injury caused by the cupboard door negligently left open by a colleague, and I never considered for one second making a work accident compensation claim, but now I think I should perhaps at least report it the BBAB because I've always wanted to be a statistic and they need to know that the 513th biscuit related accident victim has been found.
