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NASA, guinea pigs and the personal injury risk of marital relations in space
NASA have finally made that most long awaited of disclosures revealing what the public have been aching to know for years. What can it be? Have UFOs been confirmed as spacecraft carrying alien life? Have extraterrestrials, even, landed on our planet and actually abducted humans? Or maybe they have finally confirmed that our planet is about to be obliterated by an irrevocably hurtling supersized comet of destruction, the results of which no man, woman or child will be alive to claim compensation for?
No, none of the above, of course. After all, we are living in an age when if we were to discover that their was life outside of our planet, the first thing we would want to find out would be the quality, frequency and indecency of their sex lives.
All of which leads us to the answer, or almost. NASA has, in fact, confirmed that astronauts have been doing it. "Doing what?", I hear you ask. Well, not going to the moon if some people are to be believed, such as the journalist who received a fat-lip for questioning second man on the moon and eternal bridesmaid Buzz Aldrin about whether a moon landing ever actually happened.
Doing what then? Flying in rockets? Experiencing weightlessness? Yes what NASA have confirmed did happen does involve both of these space phenomena, but it also involves another activity far more familiar to us mere earthbound earthlings.
Okay, I'll stop vacillating and finally tell you what you want to hear: NASA have finally confirmed that, yes, they have carried out practical experiments into the viability of, ergh hum, marital relations in space.
One feels that, given the experience, most Britons would be shouting from the rooftops, declaiming to anyone willing to listen, "We did it! We did it! In space! We are members of the 5000-mile-high club!"
It is also easy to imagine the prurient tabloids battling out to receive exclusive rights to footage and pictures of some starlet's Steamy Space Stations.
But no. It seems the good people at NASA are a bit prudish by our prurient standards, so instead prefer to remind us that "the issue of sex in space is a serious one".
They cannot even bring themselves to watch the tapes, commenting only that "guinea pigs were tested in real zero-gravity conditions. The results were videotaped but were considered so sensitive that even NASA was only given a censored version."
Hang on a moment, "guinea pigs"? Wow, they must be a seriously depraved pair of cavia cobaya to be considered worthy of censorship because I'm sure I've watched two guinea pigs going at it tooth and nail before while sitting with my kids watching Britain's Funniest Animals.
What I want to know is what were these guinea pigs into? Were they doing the kind of thing that is illegal in certain US states? Or maybe things got so heated that one of the guinea pigs suffered personal injury. If NASA find it too disturbing, imagine what the Animal Liberation Front would think.
There are other possible explanations. Maybe the guinea pigs are regular viewers of Spring Watch and have pleaded with NASA to remain anonymous so that they need not suffer being co-opted into providing a second filmed display by that most effusive of animal enthusiasts, Bill Oddie.
Oh well, I guess these two particular guinea pigs should be applauded for having advanced our understanding of how sex works in space. Through their exertions we have been able to discover that only four positions are possible while in intergalactic flight, with the others either being plain impossible or risking personal injury.
They have also confirmed, happily, that the missionary position, "which is so easy on earth when gravity pushes one downwards, is not possible".
Well, just between you and me, I think the whole experiment sounds like an expensive mistake. Having seen Britain's Funniest Animals on a weekly basis for years now, I'm pretty sure that, even on earth, the missionary has never been a favourite of guinea pigs. Or perhaps I'm just being obtuse.
